| Home |
Comedy
Sketch
8
minutes
Jack, 75-80
years old
Naomi, 70-75 years old
Airline Ticket Agent
Ruth, punk teenager
4-5 Airport Passengers
Cassandra
Wolfe
Copyright March 2003
(Jack and Naomi are approaching the ticket counter of a busy airport
terminal on their way to visit their children.
Jack is struggling to carry two large suitcases.)
NAOMI
Jack,
where did you put the parking ticket? Jack?
JACK
(Puts suitcases down and looks at the passengers around him while
speaking.) What?
NAOMI
(Speaking louder.) Where is the parking
ticket?
JACK
I
didn't get a parking ticket.
NAOMI
The
receipt, I mean... for parking the car.
JACK
(Jack feels his pockets.) I don't
know why we couldn't just ask one of the neighbors to drive us.
I don't like leaving the car parked here for a week.
NAOMI
Well
I don't like to impose on people, and our flight is so early.
JACK
I
don't like these early flights. We
were here before the sun was up, and I didn't get any breakfast.
NAOMI
It’s
the only flight I could get on such short notice.
They'll have coffee for you on the plane.
JACK
And
I don't like to switch planes. The
last time, you got the gates confused, and we almost missed the flight.
NAOMI
The
girl said D, gate D.
JACK
No,
she said gate B. You need a hearing
aid more than I do.
AGENT
(Softly) Next.
NAOMI
Well,
let's not argue about it now. Did
you find the ticket?
JACK
No,
we didn’t get tickets. You did
that computer thing.
NAOMI
The
parking ticket. (looking at the
passengers staring at them) Oh
never mind.
(Louder) Next.
Next please.
NAOMI
(She notices the agent.) Us?
Jack... Jack, it's our turn. (
moving toward the agent and trying to be friendly) Hello….I
don’t know how to do this paperless ticket thing.
AGENT
You
put your credit card in the machine…but now just give me your confirmation
number.
NAOMI
All
I have is this paper. I bought the
tickets on the computer. I hope you
have our reservations.
Let
me have the paper. (Naomi hands the paper to the agent.) Two passengers to San Francisco International. I’ll
need your identification.
What
did she say?
Identification
sir. A driver’s
license…passport.
Oh
yes. My daughter said you would
need to see our drivers’ licenses.
Jack
she needs our drivers’ licenses.
NAOMI
Identification
Jack. Remember Carol told us to
have our drivers’ licenses ready.
JACK
(Not hearing) Excuse me?
NAOMI
Turn
up your hearing aid, Jack.
JACK
I
can hear fine. That woman doesn't
speak clearly.
NAOMI
Give
me your wallet Jack so I can get your driver’s license. ( hands wallet to
the
agent)
AGENT
How
many bags will you be checking?
(Jack turns to the bags and begins to lift one.)
Two... we'll be checking two bags.
RUTH
Let
me help you with that.
What?
(the other passengers in line look at Jack and appear annoyed)
RUTH
I’d
like to help you with your bags.
NAOMI
The
girl wants to help us. (Jack just looks at Ruth and holds on to the bags)
AGENT
Have
these bags been in your possession since you packed them?
(Turns
back to agent) What?
AGENT
Have
these bags been in your possession since you packed them?
NAOMI
(With
a nervous laugh)
Oh yes, my husband carried them all the way from the car.
I thought we should get a cart but they cost two dollars and…
AGENT
I
can have someone help him with those bags ma'am.
NAOMI
Jack,
the agent said someone can help us with the bags.
JACK
(Still
looking at Ruth)
I can lift these bags. I carried
them in here, didn't I? (He
awkwardly sets the bags on the scale.)
AGENT
Since
entering the airport has anyone unknown asked you to carry items for them?
NAOMI
Only
her. (pointing to Ruth) That
was very nice of you.
AGENT
No
you misunderstood. Has anyone asked
you to carry something for them?
NAOMI
(Speaking quickly) Your bags are ticketed through to San Francisco.
Now, you are on Flight 199 to Chicago.
You'll have an hour layover, and then you'll be catching Flight 935 to
San Francisco, arriving at approximately 1 p.m. west coast time.
Here is your gate number. The
plane will be boarding at (she looks at
the clock) 6:45. (She
hands the boarding passes to Naomi, but Jack takes them and he tries to read.)
JACK
What’s
this?
AGENT
Your
boarding passes.
JACK
This
doesn’t look like a ticket? Where’s
the tickets?
(He looks at the passes but can't read them. He tries to focus his eyes.)
NAOMI
Where
are your glasses?
RUTH
Sir,
you don’t need a ticket. Just the
boarding passes.
JACK
(He feels his pockets.)
NAOMI
I
hope you didn't leave them in the car.
AGENT
It's
Gate B-15, and you'll find it down the aisle to the right of the elevators. Does
he need a wheel chair?
NAOMI
(Insulted) Of course not!
He’s quite capable of walking. He just needs help hearing.
JACK
What
did she say?
NAOMI
Never
mind. (She
then speaks to the agent.) When
we get to Chicago, can we get a motorized cart to take us to our connecting
flight?
AGENT
I
can't guarantee that one will be available.
NAOMI
When
we booked this flight, I checked the box for needing special assistance. I’m sure I did.
We're anxious about missing our connecting flight.
AGENT
Well,
you can ask one of the flight attendants when you board the plane.
NAOMI
Can’t
we arrange that now? I don’t feel
comfortable taking chances.
AGENT
Ma'am,
I really can't help you with that, and there are a lot of people waiting behind
you. Please ask a flight attendant
when you board the plane.
NAOMI
(She looks behind her and speaks to the people in line.) Ohhhh, I'm sorry. (She
turns to Jack.) Come on Jack.
JACK
Which
way to the gate?
NAOMI
She
said right.
JACK
Well,
we better hurry. I don't want to
miss the plane. (they
begin to walk away)
Sir...
Sir... (to Ruth) Can you
stop them?
RUTH
Yeah.
(taping Naomi on the shoulder) Ma’m.
The agent wants you.
NAOMI
(Naomi
turns back to counter) Yes?….Jack….
stop a second.
Jack!
JACK
What
now, Naomi. I still know which way
is left!
AGENT
You
forgot your wallet... your wallet.
NAOMI
Oh,
no…Jack, your wallet!
(Embarrassed, takes his wallet and puts it in his inside jacket pocket
and drops the boarding passes) Oh!
This stupid trip was all your idea in the first place, Naomi.
Oh,
here are my glasses. (puts his glasses on) Now where did the ticket thing
go?
Did
I give it to you?
NAOMI
No.
Look in your pocket. Oh,
good you found your glasses. I
didn’t want to go all the way back to the car.
JACK
I
didn’t put them in my pocket. I
think I gave them to you.
NAOMI
You
didn’t give them to me.
Look
in you purse.
NAOMI
I
don’t have the passes, Jack. You
took them from the agent.
JACK
We
can’t get on the plane without the passes.
Go back and ask the lady for more.
NAOMI
I
am not going back there. I’ll
look foolish. Look in your coat
pocket again.
(as
this is happening Ruth comes up behind them and picks up the boarding passes off
the floor)
JACK
Naomi,
this is the last time I let you talk me into a trip like this.
Going to all this trouble just to see the kids.
From now on, they can come and see us.
This is too much work! Traveling...
hah... I'd rather stay home!
RUTH
Here
you go…you must have dropped this.
NAOMI
Oh.
Our passes. Jack. You
dropped the passes. Thank you so much. (takes passes)
RUTH
Looks
like we’re headed in the same direction.
We’re on the same flight. My
name’s Ruth.
JACK
Let
me have those. We have to find the
gate. (tries to read the passes)
Where’s the gate number on this stupid thing?
NAOMI
Did
you hear that Jack? Ruth is on our flight.
We are going to visit our daughter.
RUTH
I’m
going to spend the holidays with my Dad. Do you mind if I tag along with you.
I’m traveling by myself and it gets lonely.
NAOMI
Hello.
NAOMI
We
haven’t traveled in a while and there are so many changes.
Do you think we will have to take our shoes off when we go through that
radar thing?
RUTH
The
x-ray? Well I had to once.
NAOMI
Did
you hear that Jack? Naomi had to
take her shoes off once. He has
trouble hearing.
JACK
I
heard that. I told you already I
will not take off my shoes.
Come
on Naomi. It’s Gate D 5.
RUTH
You’re
going to Chicago? Then to San Francisco? I’m
pretty sure that’s Gate B 15.
NAOMI
(looking at passes) Jack
that’s B 15.
So
it’s OK if I hang out with you? I
won’t be a bother.
JACK
Suits
me. Glad to help you out. I carry
that bag for you, if you want?
RUTH
My backpack? (smiling) Oh no that’s fine.
JACK
So, Ruth when we get to that machine, do we leave
our coats on?
Jack
you did remember to leave your pocketknife at home didn’t you? Our daughter
told me to be very careful not to bring any sharp objects with us.
Did you know that, Ruth?
RUTH
(Ruth
smiles and shakes her head, yes)
(All
Exit)
The New American Idols
Exodus 20:1-6
“ You shall not make for yourself an idol” Ex 20:4
Cast:
Host: Ryan SeekChrist
Judge 1: Paula
(puppet)
Judge 2: Simon(puppet)
Judge 3:
Randy (puppet)
Unknown
Singer
(Grandma puppet)
Concerned
Family Member:
Aimee
Contestant
One:
Kelly who idolizes the music industry
TV Voice 1
TV Voice 2
Contestant Three:
Jack who idolizes e-Bay
Contestant Four: Ozzy
who idolizes electronic gadgets
Welcome
to the New American Idols on the SOX Christian television network, a reality
show for Christians and about Christians. And I’m your host Ryan SeekChrist.
On New American Idols we are in search of American Idols.
No not the singing idol variety but those worldly interests and
possessions that steal away a Christian’s time, talent and attention from a
closer relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
With all the temptations that surround us in this day and age we
Christians are in real danger, in danger of trading a relationship with God for
a relationship with the “Material World”.
Material….Material…..And
I’m a material grandma.
RYAN
Excuse me…Excuse Me….Grandma.
Did
I make the top twelve finalists? I
was really rocking it wasn’t I?
Sorry mam…I’m afraid you’re in the wrong studio.
RYAN
No.
You want American Idol on the Fox network.
This is New American Idols on the Sox network.
(points to her sox)
Oh…..sorry, sonny.
RYAN
RANDY
Dog,
I’m thrilled to be one of the judges for tonight. As you know I have battled with noodles myself.
RYAN
Noodles?
RANDY
Well
I use to be quite the hefty Christian. Eating noodles was my idol, Dog.
I just couldn’t get enough… I worshiped spaghetti, macaroni and all
shapes of pasta from spirals to wagon wheels.
I would boil up a couple of bags and then add a pound of butter and a
couple of pounds of American cheese and eat the whole thing.
You are talking binge, dog.
RYAN
Thank you Randy. That was pretty sickening. Well, moving on. Welcome back Paula.
PAULA
Thanks
Ryan I’m glad to be back. Of
course being a pop icon myself, I have seen what idol worship can do to people.
Of course that was before I was a Christian. But I still have many fans obsessed
with me.
Oh
come on Paula you haven’t been a dancing diva since the totally pathetic
80’s.
And
certainly you all recognize our third judge Simon.
Paula, we all know that you are ancient history. And words
can’t describe how dull Randy is since he had that weight reduction surgery.
You really can’t be considered an idol until they make a bobble head
doll of you. Speaking of
bobbleheads, my Simon Sez bobble head is now available on-line and at you
favorite Christian bookstore. It
dishes out my best insults—
Why
thank you Simon. We may want to
review the Fruits of the Spirit with Simon later on. I’m sure our audience is
anxious to meet tonight’s nominees and their
loving family members who turned them in, I mean nominated them. Now we as
Christians know that only God can change the heart.
But these concerned family members have a strong faith.
They have hope that through this competition their loved ones will drop
the idols and refocus their lives. And
we’ve seen it happen right here on our show.
Remember last week?
RANDY
Dog, I mean Big Dog…the Cleveland Browns number one fan was
here.
RYAN
And
here on our program he took off the mask. He
gave up his season tickets for next fall. He’s
out of the Dawg Pound and back in the pew.
Nothing
is impossible with God. (APPLAUSE)
Now we have an incredible competition for you tonight!! It’s a first !! All four of tonight’s contestants are members of the same family!! I’d like you to meet Aimee the daughter and sister of our four nominees. Welcome to New American Idols, Aimee.
Thank you Ryan…I gotta tell you how blessed I feel that all four of my nominations were selected. You’ll see for yourself how my whole family has been tricked by the kind of sneaky serpent that Adam and Eve encounter in the Garden of Eden. Instead of a snake today Satan has appeared dressed in the form of modern day technology and mass communication. My family is just one of its victims. It has invaded their psyches, taken control of their bodies and is trying to destroy their spiritual life.
AIMEE
You
have no idea Randy. As a family we
use to be active in our local church. Sunday was very special.
It was our Sabbath Day. We
all worshiped together. Daddy was
the lead singer of our Worship team while Mum directed the Praise Band. My
little sister sang with the Youth Choir. My
brother was a youth deacon. We would go to Bible studies on Wednesday nights and
we were active in service and mission projects.
Now Sundays are black….like a Black Sabbath!
RYAN
Wow…It sounds like your family needs a wake-up call. They are in danger of losing their closest relationship, their relationship with God.
AIMEE
You’re telling me!
RYAN
Well let’s meet your family. Thanks to the New American Idol’s hidden camera we can go
on location directly to your home in California.
AIMEE
First I want you to see my sister Kelly. (Kelly enters and sits with cell phone) She really breaks my heart. We use to be so close. We both loved Mandy Moore, the singer. You know she’s a Christian. We saw her movie
A Walk to Remember a dozen times and we cried every time. Now she is all about herself and her music caree.
KELLY
Listen you are my manager, aren’t you? I won’t take no for an answer. Now get me either the Foo Fighters or Incubus to open for us at the next Ozzfest. (pause) Yes, my Daddy knows. I am now handling the concerts. Call me right back when you finalize the contract. What? That’s a laugh! No I won’t do another cover for Rolling Stone magazine. They made me look fat. I am doing the Cosmo cover next week no thanks to you! What kind of a manager are you anyway?
AIMEE
Before she was such a hit on the MTV Music Video Awards she was so sweet and kind to people. She sang nothing but Praise songs now all I hear from her mouth is her latest solo CD “Shut Up.”
RYAN
Excuse Me?
AIMEE
“Shut Up!!”
RYAN
That’s rather rude.
AIMEE
No….”Shut Up” is the title of her CD.
KELLY
No… I want a whole new look for the cover
of Cosmo. I’m firing my
hairdresser…I want a combination of old Madonna and Cindy Lauper.
Find out who does Madonna’s hair.
Well I’m off. I’m
hitting several chi-chi clubs tonight and I need to make a true fashion
statement. (holds up cross around her neck). Got
to get to the mall. Are you an idiot or what?
I told you The Foo Fighter. You
are really impossible. I might just
have to tell Daddy we need to find a new manager.
(she exits)
SIMON
Are you an idiot or what? Now that was a great insult! She gets points from me for that one.
RYAN
I’m glad you caught that Simon. Insults and threats demonstrate a lack of the Holy Spirit in Kelly’s life.
AIMEE
Kelly used to wear a cross as a symbol of her faith. Now Christ’s cross for her is just another fashion accessory.
RYAN
Paula, Randy? Any thoughts?
PAULA
I saw her on the MTV awards and let me tell an elephant with a broken leg would give that girl competition on the dance floor.
RANDY
She makes me think of noodles.
RYAN
Well there it is. Contestant One. Kelly’s New American Idol is her MUSIC CAREER. Kelly is under the powerful influence of something so simple as music. To vote for Kelly Dial 1-800-IDOLS-01 or text Message at IDOLS-01 on your Sprint PCS phone.
I can’t help wondering Aimee what causes such a sudden change in a person?
AIMEE
That’s just it Ryan. It isn’t sudden. It just creeps up on you. With Kelly, she first started missing youth group meetings, and then Sunday school. Next she couldn’t get up in time for church. And Mum just let her sleep in.
RYAN
And that brings us to contestant two.
AIMEE
My mum Sharon. This is so sad. She hardly leaves the house anymore. That means she doesn’t come to church either. Her American Idol is…well you’ll see for yourself.
SHARON
( Sharon enters to platform right.
She has her cordless phone to her ear as we hear a voice over the loud
speaker)
TV VOICE 1
That is Number 15396.….We had 4000 now only 40 are left. Sizes 7 and 8 only. This is the first time this gold ring has been offered on easy pay. Following our Gold Rush Program tonight, we will offer a whole hour of Diamonique at 9. And then the Patio and Garden program at 10. There is always so much to buy on QVC.
SHARON
Finally.
I didn’t think I’d ever get through.
Yes. You still have Number
15396 in size 8? Yes I want it in
gold and rose gold. No more rose?
Will you be offering it
again? I just have to have it.
It is such a great buy. Yes
I’d love to go on air. Yes I can
hold. (picks up a second phone) While I’m holding, I’ll just flip the
channel and see what they are selling on the Home Shopping Network.
Oo…Oo they have the Jaguar sports coupe offered again. What colors….Oo…Oo!!.
I don’t have a purple jaguar and I’ll get the metallic gold one to
match my new ring. I want auto
delivery. What’s the number
H77611. Good thing I have the phone
number programmed on my cell phone. I
have to have the purple jaguar. Oh no… Don’t put me on hold.
What if they sell out?
TV VOICE 1
Now if you are already loving this ring we want to hear from you. We have a caller on the line right now. Hello…who is this?? Hello…are you there?
SHARON
Oh… sorry. I’m was on the other line. This is Sharon in Beverly Hills.
TV VOICE 2
This is the Home shopping network. Your account number please.
SHARON
2754000012
TV VOICE 1
Sharon you got the gold ring with the princess cut stone. Sharon ….Sharon are you there?
SHARON
Yes…Yes…sorry. Oh,Tina
I just love the ring. In fact when
you offered it last month I got it in white gold and today I got the gold.
Will you be offering the rose gold again? You are out of my size.
TV VOICE 1
That is such a popular color especially for spring. Gee I’m not sure when we will be offering that again, at lest not in the next few weeks. So you got the white gold as well. What do you like about the white gold?
SHARON
Oh dear…I really want the rose gold one.
TV VOICE 2
What is your first item number, please?
SHARON
I really love the white gold because it goes with everything, but the rose matches my jaguar.
TV VOICE 2
Excuse me….what is the item number?
SHARON
Oh sorry…I was on the other line.
HH771600. (puts down one phone)
Hello…Tina. As I was saying I wanted the rose because it matches my jaguar.
TV VOICE 1
Well…Sharon coming up tomorrow on Gold Rush I may just be offering more rose gold. It is a ring with a combination of all three…white, gold, gold and rose gold.
SHARON
Oh I will have to have that. You know Tina I am so impressed with the clarity of the princess cut stone. I got the sapphire and the ruby.
TV VOICE 2
That was item number HH1771600 the spice rack with the 8 oz candles in white. Can I interest you in the ivory as well?
TV VOICE 1
Well it you like the ruby you should see it in the emerald stone.
SHARON
What? No I didn’t give you the number for the spice rack. It was the number for the purple jaguar coupe, but I will take the ivory spice rack too. I also wanted the jaguar in the metallic gold.
TV VOICE 1
Did you say purple and ivory…No this particular ring does not come in an amethyst stone. If you hold on until 11 tonight we will be offering some lovely ivory pieces.
TV VOICE 2
We are now all out of the ivory spice rack and the purple jag.
SHARON
What no purple jaguars left? (pause) Then what about the metallic jag??? Oo…Oo…what will I do? The pressure is giving me a headache. I better go lie down. (Sharon exits)
SIMON
This deserves a standing ovation.
PAULA
I have to agree with simon. I never seen a better performance by a shopping addict.
RANDY
For me that was as yummy as noodles and hot fudge sauce.
RYAN
Well, there you have it our judges agree. Your mum is really hooked. That is Contestant two: Sharon’s New American Idol is home shopping. A reminder to our viewing audience to vote for Sharon Dial 1-800-IDOLS-02 or text Message at IDOLS-02 on your Sprint PCS phone.
AIMEE
Ryan you can see why I am concerned. This goes on all day. Forget any of the prayer time I use to have with mum—It’s non-existent.
Oh, here comes my brother Jack to check on how many bidders he got today.
RYAN
Bidders?
AIMEE
It’s on-line auction time at Jack Osborne’s own eBay Store.
JACK
Well this is it. Not one lousy bid for that dog.
RANDY
Dog…Hey, he is using my line, Dog!
AIMEE
He means a real dog Randy.
RANDY
Oh, that’s OK then.
JACK
If I don’t get any bids on that silly little dog of Mum’s today I’m pulling it off the shelf. It’s been 30 days. I shouldn’t have listed it with a fixed price.
RANDY
Dog…. he’s trying to sell one of the family’s seven dogs!
JACK
I guess people are smarter than I give them credit. I’m pulling Minnie off of my eBay store and putting her up on “classic eBay. Let her go to the highest bidder.
AIMEE
Not just one of the family dogs, but my mom’s favorite dog …little Minnie. But that’s not all….
JACK
Great I got 20 bids on the 2003 Black Mercedes.
RYAN
Now, he’s auctioning off the family car?
AIMEE
Daddy and Mum have so many cars, unfortunately no one will miss it.
PAULA
A black Mercedes? I always wanted a Mercedes. How do I place a bid?
JACK
Ok, it looks like this guy Osama is the top bidder again. He’s one of my best customers and he always agrees to pick up the shipping costs to Pakistan. He’s on PayPal. That makes it so easy. I can just charge it to his Mastercard. That was easy money made today.
SIMON
Looks like you are too late Paula. I think words can’t describe how dull Black Mercedes are. Now if he was selling the family Cadillac Escalade I might have bid on that.
JACK
I’ve got one new item to list on Jack’s eBay store. Man’s 4 carat diamond pinky ring with platinum band. Size 9. Fixed price of $100,000.00
AIMEE
This is unbelieveable. That’s my Daddy’s favorite ring. Daddy thought he lost it. He’s turned the house and the whole family upside down searching for that ring! This is totally pathetic.
SIMON
Hold it. That’s my line.
AIMEE
Sorry.
SIMON
That is totally pathetic.
JACK
Wait.
I’m not sure about the size of that ring. Is it a Size 8 or 9?
I better go and check (exits)
RYAN
Any thoughts from our judges?
RANDY
His hair reminds me of spiral-shaped macaroni.
SIMON
He would be one of my wild card picks.
PAULA
I agree. I think this is a violation of one of those 10 commandments.
AIMEE
Though shalt not steal.
PAULA
That’s the one.
RYAN
Oyr judges make a lot of sense That was contestant Number 3: Jack’s New American Idol is On-line selling. I had no idea that eBay could become an obsession. To vote for Jack dial 1-800 Idols-03 or text message IDOLS –03 on your Sprint PCS phone.
AIMEE
Yes as fast as my mum buys it on TV my brother sells it on the internet.
OZZY (enters carrying a big remote)
Sharon….Sharon….Where are you? How do you work this remote thing? I have to change this channel. I don’t want to watch this bread-making channel. I want me to watch MTV and see our new music video.
AIMEE
Ryan, meet my Daddy. He idolizes all the latest electronic gadgets. The problem is he can’t figure out how to work any of them.
OZZY
This remote is supposed to be voice
activated. (talking into the
remote) I want my MTV. Do
you hear me? I said I want my
MTV. This is ridiculous.
Sharon!!! Jack!!!
Where is everybody? Where is
that palm pilot thing Sharon gave me. I’m
suppose to be able to find out where she is with this thing. (picks up palm
pilot) When Sharon uses it, it
looks so simple. She takes
this pen thing and taps it on the screen. This
is too difficult. Where is my cell
phone? (picks up phone) Oh here it is.
How do I turn this thing on? It’s
suppose to be voice activated. Call Sharon.
I said Call Sharon. What’s
this? I just took my picture?
How did I do that? OK dial Sharon. Sharon are you there? Ok dial Jack. Jack
are you there? Forget this. (picks
up MP3) Maybe I can listen to our new song on this MP3 thingy.
(Puts on headset) How does this thing work? I guess its voice
activated too. So play our new song
“Changes.” I said play
“Changes”. Nothing works around
here. I need some help!!! (picks
up cell phone calling into it) Help me!!!! What’s that noise? It’s the
alarm system. I just set off the
voice activated alarm system. (runs out)
RYAN
Judges any thoughts?
SIMON
This guy is clueless. That is got to be a violation of some kind commandment.
PAULA
I think it is though shalt not be helpless
RANDY
All I can say is Extreme Makeover. That hair is like uncooked spagetti.
RYAN
That was our final contestant and number: Ozzy’s idol is electronic gadgets. To vote for Ozzy dial 1-800 IDOLS-04 or text message IDOLS –04 on your Sprint PCS phone. Now all our phone lines are open. You at home can call in your votes now.
Any last words from our judges?
SIMON
This whole family is totally pathetic. I don’t think we’ve ever had a group of contestants competing on New American Idols who were so….they leave me speechless.
RANDY
Now that is a first. You are never without a discouraging word. Anyway fFor me Ryan…Jack is my top pick. It’s his look…the spiral macaroni hair. It makes crave noodles again.
PAULA
For me I identify with Kelly. I mean I still idolize fame. The kind of status I use to have as a dancing diva.
RYAN
That is interesting that you would mention that Paula. Even in the midst of their technological idolatry there is something familiar very familiar there. Something we all can identify with.
AIMEE
I agree Ryan. My family is missing so much. They are missing not only a real relationship with our Lord and Savior but with real human relationships. They are relating to those things those idols as if they were human beings. They are giving those things not only their money but their time and talent too.
RYAN
Yes. It appears they are storing up riches on earth and relating more to things than to each other. But Jesus said in fact he made it a requirement that we love one another, other people, not other things. We are to love others just as we love ourselves.
AIMEE
And if I’m honest with myself to some degree I’m guilty of the same thing. I think if I can prove that my family places new American Idols before God that I am better or holier than them. I’m acting alittle like the Pharisees acted towards Jesus
RANDY
I think you are on to something there Aimee. I mean I have certainly been casting the first noodle myself today.
RYAN
You mean stone?
RANDY
Stone or noodle whatever.
SIMON
Well I was doing a little coveting myself of Cadielac Escalades.
RYAN
(Buzzer
sounds) Well, it looks like the votes are all tabulated so let’s see who
is this week’s winner. (The Osbornes enter and stand on Platform in
tableau)
Will it be Kelly, Sharon, Jack or Ozzy?
(rips open envelope handed to him by an
arm behind the puppet stage)
RYAN
Wait…I don’t understand this? How could this be? Kelly, Sharon, Jack and Ozzy didn’t receive any votes. It appears that our viewers all over the United States recognized in themselves how they too like the Osbornes have their own American Idols. Out of 2 million votes cast we have 2 million winners. Everybody watching out there voted for themselves.
Well what do you know. Sounds like the SOX network might need a mid season replacement program. If everyone has a New American Idol there is no more competiion and no more reason for this program. So for now this is Ryan Seekinchrist saying we are all sinners and its just through God’s love and grace that we are forgiven of the Idols we put be the Lord. Amen.